This morning I was sitting at the Toyota place waiting for my oil to get changed. There were people scattered, also waiting. One woman was eating and doing work on her computer at a bar in the waiting area. Another man had a library book in hand. He pretended to read, though I never saw him turn a page. Others, like me had their phones in hand as companionship for the wait. My first action was to scroll when a meme grabbed my attention. The author of the meme was J. Mike Fields. Mr. Fields Is listed on his website as a “professional life coach, speaker, and mental wellness advocate who empowers people to take the necessary steps to create a life they love.” I have seen many of his memes and generally they resonate with me. This one gave me pause to wonder.
The meme read “The desire to fix another is an active
avoidance of the neglected self.” I can
agree with this and I also want to go deeper.
You see for something to need to be fixed it must be broken. The sharer of the meme, someone I admire and
respect, sees themselves as a fixer to the point of self-neglect. I, myself, can say that I am guilty of this. I have been a rescuer my whole life, moving
from one “project” to another. The high
school kid who lives in the projects and is abused by her mom, the teenage girl
who finds herself in a children’s home, feeling rejected and abandoned by her
family, the pregnant teenager whose family is encouraging an abortion, and the
list could continue one at a time. I
have also been the one being “rescued.”
Rescued from deep depression, rescued from years of not being touched,
rescued from the bad habits that have formed through the years that are
detrimental to my health, and this list could also go on.
What hit me between the eyes this morning as I looked
around me at the people, I was sharing this space with was people are not
broken. Another friend, this week,
described themselves as a “broken toy.”
This made me sad. Then I think of
all the ways that I have seen myself as broken.
I have bad habits. The result of
those bad habits can be seen in my weight, in physical ailments, in lack of
energy, and again the list could go on.
However, I am not broken. I do
not need to be fixed. You are not broken;
you do not need to be fixed. Your
partner, your child, your parent, your friend…. they are not broken; they do
not need to be fixed.
You see we are all created in the image of the
divine. The divine is perfect love. That divine loves connects all of humanity,
and not just all of humanity but all of creation. I think of my granddaughter who will be two
weeks old tomorrow. She reflects that
perfect love. She is a vessel and
everything that is poured into her from this point on is going to contribute to
how she behaves and reacts to the world around her. But she is who she was created to be in this
moment and she is perfect. I was born as
this perfect love and so are you. We are
not broken.
One blogger writes “The more we can see that none of
us is broken, inadequate, or lacking but are fully functional human souls that
simply live in the experience of their thought created reality; the more we
will see each other’s humanity and genius s appear from behind preconceived thinking.
“{When this happens} the more many of our human-made problems will disappear.” [1]
Dr. Suzanne Smith writes this about seeing ourselves
and others as broken:
This is faulty thinking that is both harmful and limiting. When we view
ourselves as broken, we make the irrational assumption that the world is split
into some people who are healthy and whole and other people who are damaged and
broken. And we place ourselves into that broken group.
The truth is that everyone has areas of struggle.
Life is fraught with stressful events both good and bad, many of them outside
of our control. We have biological differences and unique family histories. We
each have our own challenges to face and style of managing these.
She says this about her approach when she sees this faulty thinking:
When I see someone who is stuck in an endless
cycle of self-improvement projects that always leave him/her disappointed, we
begin by exploring whether this mission of “fixing” is based on the core belief
that he/she is broken. We challenge this very belief system. The only way
out of this cycle of shame, self-destruction, and punishment is to develop
self-compassion. Instead of spending energy on all these efforts to fix
themselves, we focus on loving themselves. This is where the meaningful growth
and healing can begin. Being gentle with ourselves makes room for lasting
change. [2]
In 2015 I was introduced to the work of Brene’ Brown. Her book Gifts of Imperfection was my
first exposure to her work. I have been
striving over the last few years toward fully authentic living. Brene’ Brown tells us through this book that “authenticity
is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and
embracing who we are.” Just because we are
not the person our partner, our parent, our child, our friend, wants us to be, does
not mean we are broken. Do we have
wounds that need to heal, most certainly.
As noted above we all have struggles.
Yet, we are not broken.
Base on all I have read today, the secret to healing those wounds and
returning to the perfect divine love, is to embrace ourselves and love
ourselves. If you want to help someone,
do not try to fix them. Love them. Pour love into them and help them to see the divine
within themselves. Once that happens,
the rest will come naturally.
[2] Written
by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are
interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues,
wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the
button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr.
Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at
